Inch @sem, Inch Badmem?

Shant Norashkharian

An American friend asked me:
"Is it true that you Armenians have two popes?"
"Well", I answered, "not exactly, we have two catholicoses."
"Call it what you want", he said, "but how can you have two heads of the same Church?"
"Well", I answered, "not exactly, one is the catholicos of all Armenians, and the 'other one'...the catholicos of...it's too complicated...historical reasons..."
"OK, but isn't there only one who really runs the show?"
"Well", I answered, "not exactly, but things are really changing...when the 'other one' came to Los Angeles last year, he said the two were finally reconciled and that the other was really the head of all Armenians".
"So what did he call himself?"
"I don't think he called himself anything!"
"So what does 'the other' one do?"
"He visits heads of state, the pope, goes to fund raising parties, takes a lot of smiling photos, gives great speeches and bestows medals upon the great souls who donate big bucks to the Church. That is how our merchant/benefactors earn their salvation in heaven."
"Then what does the first one do?"
"He does the same, but he does all of that first, then the other follows his tracks after a couple of months. It really works well for us, because if the first one is not noticed, usually the second one would be."
"But...but...you're still not telling me...why do you have two catholicoses?"
"Let's put it this way; The Armenian Church believes in free enterprise and competition. Therefore, this way monopoly of church services is prevented and the competition keeps down the fees of the wedding and funeral services. If you had one catholicos and he tripled the prices of the funerals, then where would you go when God called you? You would still have to pay it, wouldn't you?"
"Now, you're pulling my leg...you're kidding, aren't you?"
"Would I kid with you about such a thing?
For an Armenian a catholicos is way, way above kidding, way above the law and way above everything else. He could get away with murder, and he would not need O.J. Simpson's Dream Team either. We don'task them any questions. For us they are above questions, way, way above."
"How can that be? Even the US president, the most powerful person on earth, is not above the law."
"This is America, that is Armenia. Inch @sem, inch badmem?"
"What?"
"I said one inch above the law, one inch below the law, what difference does it make?"
"These things are above my head, I tell you!"
"One inch above, one inch below, inch @sem, inch badmem?"